Top 10s: Cliché Cars

[svgallery name="Top 10 Cliche Car pics"] By John LeBlanc As you know, one shouldn't judge a book by its cover. But how many of us have judged a driver by the car they drive? As in life, looks are important. It's seemingly in human nature to create stereotypes of certain vehicles and their drivers, turning them into clichés. So if you're in the process of buying a new car and are careful of your image, here are 10 of my favourite new cliché cars to be wary of ... For co-eds: 2010 Volkswagen New Beetle Convertible It's more than likely the person behind the wheel of VW's not-so-New Beetle Convertible -- the driver who just cut you off, while applying mascara -- is running, like, way late for her Psych 101 class. Granted, for budget-minded co-eds, the $29,175 New Beetle Cab (the spiritual successor to perhaps the all-time greatest co-ed car in automotive history, the Rabbit Convertible) offers a lot. Like the original, there's plenty of headroom under its cloth top, room for her girlfriends in the back, and -- of course -- styling that isn't like anything else on the road. There's only one engine choice: a moanful, 150 hp, 2.5-litre five-cylinder. But at least there's a manual transmission available, if only to let Muffy pretend the aging VW is a sports car. For illegal substance wholesalers: 2010 Lincoln Navigator After five season of HBO's The Wire, this big Lincoln SUV has become the favoured ride for those in the chemical trade or those who just want to make a statement. As a utility vehicle, $60,800 full-size Navigator has many charms. There's its bachelor-apartment-sized interior, jumbo jet-height front perch, safety features, and plenty of cargo space in the stretched L version. The trouble is that the mechanically identical Ford Expedition starts at $40,709. And you certainly don't buy a Navi for the way it drives. Its 310-hp 5.4-liter V8 is overwhelmed by its sheer mass. So why would anyone buy the Navi? Chrome, baby, and the street status that goes with it. For treehuggers: 2010 Toyota Prius Here's what driving 2010 Toyota Prius doesn't say about its driver: a) You want to get anywhere fast—with just 134 hp onboard, Prius owners measure 0-100 km/h times by the hour; b) You're more concerned with saving fuel and emissions than money—this Toyota hybrid's combined city and highway 3.8 L/100 km rating is astounding, but over the long haul, you'll never recoup the Prius's premium pricing over a non-hybrid Corolla; c) You love the feeling associated with driving—with hearse-like quietness, nonlinear-brakes, roly-poly handling, and steering so numb you'll want to make sure the Toyota's wheels are on the ground, saying the Prius drives like an appliance will only insult your dishwasher. For Ferrari-haters: 2010 Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4 As a disgruntled Ferrari owner, Italian tractor magnate and founder Ferruccio Lamborghini set the brand's tone in 1963 by founding a company to make a better supercar. And ever since, every car that has rolled out of the automaker's Bolognese factory has been a one-fingered salute to Enzo himself. Compared to Ferraris, Lambos have always had a little more chutzpah. Take for instance the $250,000-plus Gallardo LP560-4. Its engine matches a Ferrari 458 Italia's firepower to a T, but offers all-wheel drive, two additional cylinders, and in-your-face looks. And where the Ferrari is like ballet dancer in the turns, the LP560-4 makes good on Lamborghini's promise of an extreme driving experience: its engine, steering, transmission and brakes are all MMA-style ferocious. For a male midlife crisis: 2010 Chevrolet Corvette Forget the gold chains, Vuarnets, and Hawaiian shirts, for almost 60 years the Chevrolet Corvette has been the quintessential fashion accessory for middle-aged males acknowledging their recently discovered mortality. And this latest version is no less of a sign that your youth has passed you by. First of all, the base Corvette coupe's $67,050 starting price usually means owners will have to have had their dentistry practices established long ago. And speaking of age, few under 40 will remember why the Corvette is special in the first place - or how GM can charge so much for a car with the same interior quality as a Cobalt. For a female midlife crisis: 2011 Ford Mustang V6 Convertible To think females can't also suffer a crisis in their middle years would be silly. To help alleviate such issues, many of the Cougar Nation can retain that youthful feel by splurging on a V6 Mustang Convertible. In the past, the V6 Mustang wasn't exactly a quality piece of kit. But all those Mustang Sallys who like to drive will be pleasantly surprised by the 2011 Mustang's new 305-hp, 3.7-litre V6 that replaces the tired old 210-hp 4.0-litre V6 as the base engine. And its $28,965 starting price leaves lots of pocket change for time at the tanning salon. For real estate agents: 2010 Lexus ES 350 In the real estate game, it's all about perception. Not as pretentious as those snotty, German brands (to give the impression your agent's commission isn't too high), yet a little more upscale than a plebeian brand (to ensure that the clients think they're with a winner), the $41,950 Lexus ES 350 is a perfect, right down the middle choice, and has become the cliché car for real estate agents. The ES350 is fantastic at coddling clients. Its low levels of noise, vibration and harshness, ride comfort and outstanding build quality make for a drive that's serenity-on-wheels. The ES's 272-hp 3.5-litre V6 and six-speed automatic are also as smooth as melted cream cheese, perfect for shuttling around anxious first-time home-buyers. For dog-lovers: 2010 Honda Element The Element has been around for such a long time now that those second-year college students it was targeted at when it debuted in 2003 have all graduated, have two kids, a dog and a wife. But one, element (pun intended) of the population that has forged a strong loyalty to Honda's $26,990 box-on-wheels are dog-lovers. Yes, the Element still only seats four. Its suicide doors are still a pain to use if you're dropping off the kids at band practice. And it's still underpowered and not that much fun to drive. But with a hose-it-out interior, and plenty of room for Fido and few other four-legged friends to romp around in the back on the way to the dog park, Honda's wagon has literally gone to the dogs. For trophy wives: 2011 Porsche Cayenne Why should your husband be the only one in the family with a Porsche? That seems to be the reasoning behind the idea of a V6-powered Cayenne. At least the new 2011 version has a bit more functionality. A longer wheelbase and adjustable rear seatback (that reclines and moves back-and-forth) deliver more room in the back for shuttling the kids to school or violin lessons. The trouble is, as a driving machine to match the Hubby's 911 in the garage, the V6 Cayenne comes up short in both the performance and value departments. The $62,290 Porsche shares the same basic mechanicals and its 300-hp V6 engine with Volkswagen's $45,300 Touareg. For software moguls: 2010 Tesla Roadster 2.5 You have to be a bit of a byte-head to own a Tesla Roadster, the world's first fully electric sports car. Yes, the $125,000 Roadster doesn't sip any gasoline, and can be plugged into any standard electrical outlet. It can also accelerate from naught to 100 km/h in only 3.7 seconds, and will continue on to a top speed of 200 km/h. But the lack of a proper public recharge infrastructure and the extra weight incurred by all that EV hardware makes the Tesla an instant cliché for buyers with more money than brains. Although its maker claims a range of nearly 400 km on a single charge, if driven as advertised, Tesla owners will be lucky to get a few hundred clicks before having to search for block heater outlets. In reality, Tesla's hand-made Roadster EV is a dead end. Until the word gets out, though, there are plenty of rich geeks in the world who need to one up their Ferrari-buying chums, cliché, or not.

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